Snowballs
by Nerdherder51
Summary: Tinker Bell is shooting a "making of..." documentary during the filming of SECRET OF THE WINGS, but she gets more than she bargained for. Parody / Satire. Rated T for mature humor. This entry is also a catch all for short, nonsense stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. JUST ADDED: Unfinished stories and bad plot ideas.
1. Chapter 1

**SNOWBALLS**

**Tinker Bell decides to shoot a "Making of..." documentary during the filming of SECRET OF THE WINGS and gets more than she bargained for.**

**My first attempt at a short, one shot story. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies and all associated characters and content are the property of The Walt Disney Company, the character of Tinker Bell originated by J. M. Barrie. This fan fiction parody / satire is not intended for monetary gain or other profit and exists solely for the purpose of fan entertainment. **

* * *

_Tinker Bell is in the makeup room where everyone is seated and being prepared for the day's shooting schedule. She is walking around holding a hand held digital video camera. From the point of view of the camera._

-Begins recording-

Tinker Bell (holding the camera at arm's length and focusing it on herself): Hey, everyone, Tinker Bell here. It is five in the morning and I'm with all of my friends as we are getting ready to do some filming on my new movie SECRET OF THE WINGS. All of us arrived at four in the a.m. so we could be get in as much footage as we can today. It is winter time, so the days are shorter and the director doesn't want to lose any daylight. Since I have light schedule today I decided to shoot my own "making of…" documentary to be included on the DVD and Blu-Ray as a supplement for you, my wonderful fans.

_(She aims the camera at her friends. Silvermist, Fawn, Iridessa and Vidia are seated in their makeup stations being primped and readied. Sil, Fawn and Vidia appear to be leaning back. Iridessa is awake, alert and holding several pieces of paper in her hand.)_

Tinker Bell (off camera): Silvermist, Fawn and Vidia were out partying late last night so they are catching up on some sleep while in their makeup chairs. You can hear Vidia's snoring all the way over here (laughing). Iridessa, always the one to obey the rules, believes in the notion that early to bed and early to rise makes a fairy healthy, wealthy and wise. You'll never catch her asleep in her chair.

(Tinker Bell walks to the light talent fairy)

Tinker Bell (softly, so as not wake the others): Hi, Iridessa.

Iridessa (also softly): Oh hi, Tink.

Tinker Bell (pointing camera at Iridessa): I'm recording a "making of…" documentary showing how we all prepare. What are you reading?

Iridessa: I'm studying my lines in the script so I'll be ready for my scenes.

Tinker Bell (briefly turning her camera to the others who are asleep, then back to Iridessa): I wish they all had your discipline. It must have been a real blow out party.

Iridessa: I guess so, I went right to bed. Vidia didn't party, though. She had a date last night. She never went home, just came straight here from his place.

Tinker Bell: What? How do you know? Did she tell you this morning?

Iridessa: She didn't have to, I could see it when she walked in the door. She arrived wearing the exact same clothes she wore last night, her hair was a real mess, she was missing a shoe and her blouse was buttoned all wrong. Oh, and she was walking kind of funny this morning, too. I guess she had a _really_ good time.

Tinker Bell: Who did she have a date with?

Iridessa: I don't know, just some guy she met at a bar.

Vidia (groggily, with a scratchier than usual voice): I'm going back tonight to pick up where we left off. Now let me get some sleep.

Tinker Bell (turning the camera on herself): Uh…, I'll just do some creative editing later. Thanks, Dessa. Wow, who knew that about Vidia.

_Tinker Bell pans camera around to Fawn, who is sleeping in her chair. The animal fairy is talking in her sleep, mumbling something. Tinker Bell puts the camera in close to hear what she is saying._

Fawn (barely audible): Oh, Raul, do more Jell-O shots off of me. Mmm..., yeah.

Tinker Bell (swinging camera away from Fawn): Uh…, let's try to Silvermist.

_Camera pulls in close to the water talent, who is also sleeping and is also talking in her sleep._

Silvermist: Oh, Raul, do more Jell-O shots off of me. Mmm…, yeah.

Tinker Bell: Oka-ay. I will cut that part out later.

_Tinker Bell swings camera towards herself again._

Tinker Bell: I think I should try this another day. Well, maybe I can still get some good material from my little sister.

_Tinker Bell swings the camera back around again. The camera shot moves out the door, through a hallway and into another makeup room which is kept chilled for the winter fairies._

Tinker Bell: Peri and her friends are also here getting ready for today's shooting schedule. (Focuses on a reflection in the mirror). There is Lord Milori in his chair. And there is Queen Clarion talking to him. Looks like she is going to steal a kiss while the makeup girl is turned around. Oop, the girl saw them. (Sounds of yelling from the girl). Wow, she is giving Queen Clarion an earful. I think the queen smudged Milori's makeup. (Turns camera to herself) You don't hear that often, now do you?

_Sounds of yelling and screaming from the other end of the room. Tinker Bell focuses camera on the commotion. It is Rosetta and Sled who are arguing._

Tinker Bell: Uh oh, sounds like trouble in paradise. (Swings camera back around to face the corridor).

Rosetta (walking towards the camera, but yelling at Sled): I have had it with you!

Sled: But I didn't do anything.

Rosetta (stops and turns to Sled): You're a pervert, Sled. You better not put that up on the internet or we are through. You hear me? Through!

Tinker Bell: What happened, Ro?

Rosetta: Sled used a hidden camera to record us while we were making love last night.

Sled: No I didn't.

Rosetta: Now he is going to put it on the internet so everyone can see us, can see me. (To Sled) PERVERT!

Sled: It never happened, Ro. It never happened, Tink.

Rosetta: Yes it did (points her finger accusingly).

Sled (To Tinker Bell): The stress of the movie is getting to her and she has been having strange dreams and nightmares lately. Last night she dreamt I put a hidden video camera to record our love making so I could up it on the internet and charge people to watch it. Like those celebrity sex videos that circulate the web.

Rosetta (loudly): AH HA! So you admit it.

Sled: It was just in your dream.

Rosetta: Dream or not you still did it and I am never going to speak to you again until you apologize and delete that video.

Sled (exasperated): There was no camera and there is no video, Ro. Nothing was recorded last night.

Rosetta (turning away from him and putting her hand up in his face): This conversation is over. I'll be on my side of the border. When you are ready to apologize for your cheap voyeurism you know where you can find me.

Sled: But, Rosetta, it was just in a dream. How can you hold me accountable for something I never did?

(Rosetta walks away angrily, not saying another word to him or to anyone)

Sled (mumbling to himself): This is insane.

(Milori walks up to Sled and puts his hand on Sled's shoulder)

Sled: Lord Milori, what should I do?

Lord Milori: Apologize

Sled: But I didn't do anything, it was just in her dream.

Lord Milori: It doesn't matter. Apologize.

Sled: Why are you taking her side?

Lord Milori: I'm not, I'm speaking from years of experience.

Sled: Experience? Did the queen ever do that to you?

Lord Milori: Yes. She once withheld all favors for over half a century because she thought I had misplaced her favorite crown. As it turned out one of her attendants had misplaced it. But that didn't matter. I had to beg forgiveness for something I had never done.

Sled: But she apologized when she found out it wasn't your fault? Right?

Lord Milori: No. And she never will. Let me tell you a little secret I learned the hard way about being married. If something bad happens and it is your fault, it's your fault. If something bad happens and it's her fault, it's your fault. And if something bad happens and it is no one's fault, it is still _your_ fault.

Sled: You can't be serious.

Lord Milori: When I married Clarion I thought, as you did, that she completed me. As it turned out what it really meant was that I was finished.

Sled: Please tell me you're kidding

Lord Milori: I wish I were.

Sled: Why did I even bother to get married?

Lord Milori (jokingly): I ask myself that question every day.

Queen Clarion: I heard that!

Lord Milori: Oh dear!

Queen Clarion (unpleasantly): Do you actually regret our marriage?

Lord Milori: No, of course not, dear. Sled was having some problems…

Queen Clarion: Do I make you feel like less of a sparrow man?

Lord Milori: Never, my love. You complete me.

Queen Clarion: I complete you? Is that code for "you're finished?"

Lord Milori: That was spoken in jest, my beloved. I would never…

Queen Clarion: I'll be on my side of the border. When you are ready to begin apologizing, you know where you can find me. (Queen Clarion flutters away in a huff.)

Lord Milori (Calling out to her): My dear, it's not what you think. Clarion, dearest. Your highness!

Sled: She's going to withhold favors again, isn't she?

Lord Milori: Yes, she is a camel that one. One night of passion can sustain her for decades.

Sled: Well just say you're sorry.

Lord Milori: It's not that easy with a woman like that, my boy. When one makes a serious faux pas a simple apology isn't enough. I must beg her forgiveness through various acts of groveling, gift giving and self-humiliation. Once she believes that I have done enough to atone for the grievous act against her then she may welcoming me back into her bed. But she will remain cold towards me for some time afterwards just to make sure I have learned my lesson.

Sled: Wow. Will I have to do that with Rosetta?

Lord Milori: Oh indeed. Rosetta is not unlike Queen Clarion. Both are very high maintenance, both are very easily offended and both require a great deal of compensation for all offenses, real or imagined.

Sled: Why do I feel like I just lost my snowballs?

Lord Milori: Yes, dear boy. The day we agreed to marry those fairies we both lost our snowballs.

Tinker Bell (turning the camera back to herself): Well this certainly isn't going on the DVD.

-End Recording-

* * *

**The scenario about Rosetta being mad at Sled for something she dreamed was inspired by something I saw on television. During the Christmas Holidays a couple of years ago I was watching MIKE AND MIKE IN THE MORNING on ESPN2. The two regular hosts were on vacation and one of the guests hosts related a story wherein his wife dreamed he had done something incredibly stupid. When she woke up she was mad at him and stayed made at him for days until he apologized... for real. I know it sounds insane, but that's what happened.**

**Please review and comment (so I'll know if I should run and hide). Thank you.**


	2. Things you won't see in Pixie Hollow

**I really have no idea where else to put this, so I'm just going to append it here.**

**If you have any other entries or ideas please let me know through the reviews or via PM.**

* * *

Things you will never see or hear in Pixie Hollow.

1. Road Kill Cafe

2. Don't come a knockin' if the Pixie Dust Tree is a rockin'

3. "Your skin rash is a severe allergic reaction to Pixie Dust"

4. A fast flyer say "TOO FAST! SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!"

5. A tinker fairy say "What is this hammer for?"

6. A bumper sticker that reads "HONK IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN FAIRIES"

7. Cans of Tuna

8. A bumper sticker that reads "I BRAKE FOR PIRATES"

9. A crocodile that swallowed a digital clock

10. Playfairy (as in Playboy) magazines

11. Genuine leather anything

12. A garden fairy with hay fever

13. Coonskin caps

14. Darth Vader say "Tinker Bell, I am your father"

15. Mousetraps

16. All you can eat rib night at the Sizzler

17. Politicians

18. Any fairy with a fear of heights

19. A bumper sticker that reads "MY OTHER MOUSE CART IS THE BAT-MOBILE"

20. A BRITISH AIRWAYS ticket counter

21. An animal fairy allergic to squirrel hair (or any other animal hair for that matter)

22. Bug spray

23. Any fairy allergic to bee stings

24. Bacon

25. Queen Clarion release a rap album (or wearing dark glasses, a wife beater shirt and baggy pants)

26. A bumper sticker that reads "QUEEN CLARION IS MY HOMEBOY"

27. Thanksgiving (they're British, remember?)

28. T-shirts that read "I'M WITH STUPID" (Well, maybe Vidia would wear it)

29. Videos for BARBIE IN FAIRYTOPIA

30. A fairy named Pussy Galore


	3. TV ShowsMovies popular in Pixie Hollow

TV Shows and movies popular in Pixie Hollow:

1. FAIRY EYE FOR THE HUMAN GUY

2. LEAVE IT TO TINKER BELL

3. James Bond in LICENSE TO CHILL

4. FAIRY TREK

5. I DREAM OF CLARION

6. SURVIVOR: NEVER LAND (TEAM HOOK vs. TEAM CROCODILE)

7. CSI: NEVER LAND

8. ONE FLEW OVER THE PIXIE DUST TREE

9. GONE WITH THE FAIRY DUST

10. I LOVE ROSETTA (parody of I LOVE LUCY) ("Rosetta, you got some 'splainin to do.")

11. James Bond in FROM PIXIE HOLLOW WITH LOVE

12. James Bond in THE QUEEN WHO LOVED ME

13. James Bond in ON HER MAJESTY'S PIXIE SERVICE

14. James Bond in PIXIE DUST IS FOREVER

15. James Bond in YOU ONLY LOVE TWICE

16. THE LORD OF THE WINTER WOODS TRILOGY (parody of THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY)

17. James Bond in A VIEW TO A CHILL

18. James Bond in THE LIVING FAIRY-LIGHTS

19. VIOLA, PIXIE RANGER (parody of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER)

20. NEVER LAND'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS


	4. Chapter 4

**The following are based on a series of television commercials for a San Antonio supermarket chain called H-E-B that feature Tony Parker, Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili from the San Antonio Spurs NBA franchise. The commercials are meant to be entertaining with the basketball players and I thought they would be even funnier with Tinker Bell and her friends substituted for the Spurs players.**

* * *

The List

Tinker Bell has organized a cookout and Terence has volunteered to grill the sliced mushroom steaks. The area has been roped off with red vines and Tinker Bell herself is standing at the entrance behind a red rope with a list of approved names. She is wearing black sport coat over her little green dress. Tink is also sporting dark sunglasses to complete the effect of an intimidating bouncer.

Vidia and Fawn have arrived for the cookout, "Hi, Tink," Vidia greets eagerly.

"Name, ma'am?" Tinker Bell replies.

"Name? You invited us to your cookout," Vidia says, hands outstretched displaying her confusion.

Tinker Bell replies, "I'm grilling Fairy Mart's Best mushroom steaks. They're like the grilled mushroom steaks you would get in a fancy Garden Fairy restaurant." Terence, who is minding the grill, overhears the conversation and nods his head in agreement. "My cookouts are _very_ exclusive," Tink continues sternly. "So,_ name_?"

"This is ridiculous," Vidia says under her breath.

"Fawn," the animal fairy states in response to Tinker Bell's request.

"Fawn? Fawn? I don't see that," the tinker fairy replies, looking cold and business like behind her sunglasses. "Could it be under another name?"

"This is crazy, Tink," Vidia says, clearly frustrated. She reaches out to unhook the red vine rope and gain entry. Tinker Bell puts her hand up blocking Vidia's path and sternly says, "Please, ma'am, stay behind the line!"

Queen Clarion arrives. Vidia tells the queen, "The line's back here." But Tinker Bell simply opens the red rope and allows the monarch into the cookout. "Hello, Tinker Bell," the queen greets.

"Hello, Queen Clarion," Tinker Bell replies.

"Did you see that?!" Fawn tells Vidia.

"Are you kidding?" Vidia replies, confused and aggravated. The queen joins Terence at the grill and the two begin chatting. Queen Clarion inhales the savory smoke and points to a mushroom steak she likes while Vidia and Fawn look on in disgust.

* * *

Spa Day

Bobble and Clank are lounging comfortably in recliners in a spa. The lighting is dim; there is wicker furniture everywhere while candles are lit and situated throughout the room. Both tinkers are wearing thick and plush terrycloth robes and have cucumber slices covering their eyes. Each one has a glass of chocolate milk in hand from which they have been sipping from time to time.

"After a hard day's work I love to kick back with a glass of Fairy Mart's Squeektopia Mouse Milk," Bobble says removing the cucumber slices from his eyes so he can look into the camera and talk directly to the viewers at home.

Clank removes his cucumber slices and says, "With all the extra protein, I feel stronger already." He flexes his arm muscles to drive home the point.

The door opens and Tinker Bell enters the room. She takes a look around and sees her coworkers lying about and asks them, "Wha-? What are you guys doing?"

"We're recovering from our day," Bobble informs her while lifting the glass of chocolate mouse milk.

"No. No, no," Tinker Bell clarifies. "What is all this?" she asks motioning to the spa paraphernalia in the Tinker storage room.

"It's all part of the healing process," Clank helpfully explains.

Tinker Bell shakes her head in disbelief, turns around and leaves the room while muttering to herself, "And I've got to work with these guys."

Bobble turns to Clank and comments, "She really needs a spa day."

Clank shakes his head and says, "So tense."

* * *

Dinner Party

Snowflake has invited her fellow ministers for a nice dinner party complete with an ice sculpture of the Pixie Dust Tree. Sunflower, Hyacinth and Redleaf all arrive. Redleaf is wearing a proper dinner jacket, Sunflower is in lovely dress, but Hyacinth is in a t-shirt with an image of a tuxedo front silkscreened onto it.

"Wow, you really went all out with this dinner party," Redleaf comments as he stares at the feast before them and the ice sculpture situated in the middle of the table. "Nice tux, Hyacinth," he adds.

"Thanks," Hyacinth replied. "I thought so, too." Redleaf shakes his head in disbelief. Hyacinth didn't know when he was being insulted. Red and Hyacinth take a seat while Sunflower admires the ice sculpture. The Minister of Autumn turns to Snowflake and asks her, "When did you have time to do all this?"

"Fairy Mart's fully cooked sliced mushroom steak," Snowflake replies. The steak was fully cooked and only needed to be reheated in the oven. "I had plenty time of to go all out."

"You even got an ice sculpture," Hyacinth points out. As they are speaking Sunflower leans over and tries to lick the sculpture. Her wet tongue instantly bonds to the ice and she bangs on the table to get everyone's attention, and then face palms in embarrassment.

Snowflake rolls her eyes, Redleaf shakes his head and Hyacinth just stares at the sad sight. The three ministers then gather around their stuck comrade and reach their arms around her waist and head.

"Okay, everyone," Redleaf commands, "on three; one, two, three." The ministers start to pull while Sunflower becomes very worried as her tongue begins to stretch.

* * *

**If you want to see the original commercials you can find them on Youtube. Just do a search for "H-E-B Spurs commercial." Then look for The List, Spa Day and Dinner Party to compare and contrast. While you're there you may also want to look up other Spurs commercials including Care Package, Spot Me and Yoga. **

**Enjoy.**


	5. Really Bad Story Ideas Part 1

**Ever had one of those story ideas that seems great when you start, but you eventually realize that it totally sucks? **

**Or perhaps you start a story and just can't figure out what to do with it or where to take it?**

**Maybe you just wrote stuff down and abandoned it and now you can't make heads or tails of what you wrote?**

**Well, these are some story ideas that seemed so awesome when I started writing them, but in hindsight are probably the worst story ideas ever in the history of fan fiction. The first one up are some chapters of a crossover between Tinker Bell and the tv series Psych. I had planned three stories. **

**Story 1 was going to be a mystery beginning with Shawn and Gus finding that they had swapped bodies with Tinker Bell and Rosetta and are now in Pixie Hollow. They were to solve a missing person's mystery and then go back home. (This story idea got reworked into a stand alone Tinker Bell story I'm plotting right now. It may end up being published. Depends on how much of the "suck" I can take out of it.)**

**Story 2 was going to be another mystery in Santa Barbara where Tinker Bell and Rosetta wake up in Shawn and Gus's bodies and have to solve a murder mystery. **

**Story 3 would conclude the event with a murder mystery in Pixie Hollow that would eventually return the Psych character of Mr. Yin (in Shawn's psyche, trying to drive Shawn Spencer mad and become the next Mr. Yang).**

**Sounds terrible doesn't it? It was actually worse. As proof of how bad things were I provide for your inspection the following few chapters I actually managed to write before realizing just how stupid it was. So why am I doing this? Is it to a) torture you the readers with the bad story and crappy writing? or b) torture me the writer with your scathing reviews of how had the story and writing actually are? or was it c) because I fell behind on my writing and I'm trying to build up my fan base again by throwing anything I can at the wall and hoping it will stick?**

**I'm going with d) BECAUSE I CAN, BWAH HAH HAH!**

**Anyway, here are the chapters my unfinished opus crappus the Tinker Bell / PSYCH crossover THE MENACE IS JUST A PHANTOM. (btw, all the story titles are references to STAR WARS movie titles.)**

**I refuse to take responsibility for any doctor bills, deaths, injuries, tax audits, accidental pregnancies, alcoholism, drug dependencies, indemnities or other scary sounding legal words incurred by reading this crap.**

* * *

Disclaimer: Tinker Bell, Disney Fairies and all associated characters and places are property of the Walt Disney Company. The character of Tinker Bell created by J.M. Barrie.

PSYCH is produced by or is the property of Pacific Mountain Productions, TagLine Television, Universal Cable Productions, Universal Media Studios and NBC Universal Television Studio. PSYCH created by Steve Franks.

This fan fiction is not for monetary gain and is intended solely for the entertainment of its audience.

* * *

Tinker Bell / Psych Crossover  
Episode I: The Menace is Just a Phantom

_Tinker Bell_: Takes place sometime after _The Secret of the Wings_  
_Psych_: Takes place between Season 4 and 5

1.

Shawn Spencer and Burton "Gus" Guster had spent the night at the PSYCH office watching the Channel 8 overnight marathon of _The Twilight Zone_ while drinking beer and eating pizza. Gus told his longtime friend and business partner not to because Shawn always had the same nightmare after watching the classic show. Shawn insisted saying he needed to distract himself after what happened with Mr. Yin. Profiler Mary Lively was dead, Juliette and Abigail were nearly killed in two of Yin's Hitchcock inspired traps, Abigail broke up with Shawn and Mr. Yin, a psychopathic serial killer, got away. During one episode it began to rain outside. Soon the two fell asleep in their easy chairs and sure enough, Shawn had that same nightmare again.

_"What does 'red' mean?" Shawn Spencer asked a woman who was in black and white just like everything else around them. She looked at him confused. "What does 'red' mean?" he asked again._

"Shawn!" a distant female voice beckoned.

_"It means what it's always meant, son." Shawn turned and saw a black and white Rod Serling staring at him._

_"You're not my father, Rod Serling," Spencer cried out. "I could go either way on Darth Vader, depends on whether or not he cuts my hand off with his lightsaber."_

"Shawn!" The female voice called again. It was closer and had a distinct southern drawl to it.

_"Juliette? When did you start impersonating Kristin Chenoweth?" he said._

_"I've always been your father, Shawn," Rod Serling answered, "and you live in _The Twilight Zone_."_

_"No! No I can't I live here. What about my friend Gus? What about getting Abigail back? What about insulting Lassie every time I show him up on a case?"_

_For a moment Shawn Spencer thought he saw a dark figure hiding in the shadows. It looked familiar to him. Was it Mr. Yin?_

"Shawn, its Gus, where are you?"

_"Gus? You're the one impersonating Kristin Chenoweth? Wow, buddy, you're good."_

"SHAWN!"

Shawn Spencer finally awoke and sat up in the sofa. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and stared at a shapely woman with fair skin, red hair and green eyes. For some reason her dress looked like it was made from rose petals. She seemed scared, but that wasn't unusual when people came looking to buy his services. They were usually upset and desperate, the perfect combo for Shawn to work his fake psychic mumbo jumbo.

Shawn rose from the sofa and walked over to introduce himself, "Hi, I'm Shawn Spencer, Psychic Detective, and somewhere in this room is my partner…" He stopped cold. The words coming out of his mouth were his own, but the voice belonged to a young girl. In fact, it was even girlier…, more girlish.., girlier-ish… than Juliette's.

Further, he wasn't in his office. A quick glance around revealed a bed made from a seashell suspended from the ceiling. A desk against sat against the wall was made from a large matchbox and some unfinished posts; in the middle of the space was a table that looked like a gigantic harmonica; there were children's blocks the size of steamer trunks and what looked like a fireplace made from a gigantic old smoke pipe.

"Shawn?" the redhead croaked.

"And you are?"

"It's me, Gus," she replied in that distinct southern drawl Spencer heard in his dream. "Shawn, look in that mirror and tell me what you see?"

The woman pointed to a giant, sterling silver serving platter. Shawn walked over and looked as the woman who called herself "Gus" had asked. He saw the reflection of a cherubic young girl with fair skin, bright golden hair that was tied up in a bun and deep blue eyes. She was wearing a short, lime green dress and green shoes with puffballs. He noticed one more thing, "I've got bosoms! They're small bosoms; and I'm wearing a really short skirt. Would you say this is inappropriately short?"

"That's not all. Look at this," the woman said. Shawn watched as the red headed woman turned around and revealed wings which began to flutter. The woman levitated above the ground for a moment. "You have them, too."

"How did you…"

"Just think about flying, Shawn, the wings will do the rest."

Sure enough, the wings on his back rose into an upright position and began to flutter. Shawn craned his neck and watched them as they moved in and out of view. He too rose a bit from the ground before slowly returning to terra firma. "Okay, one question…"

"How did this happen? I wish knew," Gus replied.

"No, actually I was thinking that maybe this skirt would be something Kim Kardashian would wear."

"She looks terrible in green. FOCUS, SHAWN," Gus said irritability in his female voice. "You look like Tinker Bell and I look like Scarlett O'Hara."

"What? I don't look anything like Julia Roberts."

"No, Shawn, from the movie _Peter Pan_. Now what are we doing here?"

"Gus, Gus, its easy enough to explain," Shawn said casually. "We we're watching a _Twilight Zone_ marathon last night, so this is clearly a bad dream caused by Rod Serling trying to get into my brain and convince me he is my father."

"Shawn! I am a black man trapped in the body of a white woman with a southern accent. Do you know how many kinds of wrong that is? And by the way, Darth Vader as your dad would be much cooler, providing he doesn't cut your hand off with his lightsaber."

"You _know_ it. As for all of this," he motioned to the female bodies that housed him and his friend Gus, "just think of it as living out _White Chicks_ for real."

"Don't you dare compare that movie to right now, _White Chicks_ was hilarious; this isn't, and besides you're not even black," Gus said becoming angrier.

"There you are. Get going you're both late for work," a piercing female voice with a distinct Lancashire accent said. Standing in the open doorway was an overweight woman dressed in green. Small wings were beating away on her back. She hovered several inches above the ground. Shawn and Gus both looked at each other as though trying to register the disconcerting image. "Why are you here, Rosetta? Get caught in the rain last night?"

The rotund woman fluttered in and towards the red headed female that was now Gus. "The garden fairies need you in the Summer Gardens, Rosetta. The rain damaged several flower beds and you will have to replant so the dust fairies can collect pollen for the mainland." Then she glided over to Shawn and was obviously very angry with him, or rather the person Shawn was supposed to be. "And as for your, missy, famous or not you need to report to work on time, you need to set a good example for the other tinker fairies. Now go help the others. Flooding in the kitchens damaged several ovens; you need to help repair them before lunch."

Shawn and Gus stared at each other again, not sure what to do. Fairies? Tinkers? Garden Fairies? Rosetta? These words reverberated in Shawn's mind. Sensing he would need them soon he took special note of each one.

"Well don't just stand there like statues," the heavy set, floating woman yelled at them, "go to the Pixie Dust Tree and get your rations. Then get to work, we are already behind schedule for the Spring Season." Then she flittered out of the room.

After a long pause Gus finally broke the silence. "What was that?"

"I'm not sure, but I can be certain that this is not a dream."

"Why not, Shawn?"

"I wouldn't have dreamt of a fat woman in a leafy dress. I would have dreamt of Angelina Jolie in a bikini."

"Actually I was reminded of Chief Vick."

"Wait. What!? You think Chief of Police Vick looks hot in a bikini? Have you lost your mind?"

"No, Shawn, I meant that when that woman yelled at us it reminded me of when Chief Vick yells at us."

"In a bikini?"

"No! Not in a bikini! Oh never mind, I'm taking a look outside." The red headed woman, or rather Gus, stormed across the room and out the door. Then fell completely out of sight. "SHAAAAaaawwwnnn!" he/she yelled, the voice trailing off and then abruptly stopping. Several people outside could be heard gasping.

Shawn ran towards the door, "Gus! Are you okay?" At the doorway he looked down and saw the red headed woman who was Gus sprawled out face first in the muddy ground below.

"I'm coming, buddy," Shawn yelled out. He tried to descend the stairs that looked like they were made from fungus growing out of a tree root. Halfway down he slipped and fell into the mud below with a splat.

A moment later a pair of hands grabbed him and pulled him up to his feet. Several people with wings, _fairies_, descended to them. The first to arrive were an Asian fairy, who wore a turquoise dress and had long black hair, and a young male fairy dressed in red and brown leafy clothes, sporting blonde hair and wearing some kind of strange looking cap.

"Are you okay, Tink?" The young man with blonde hair and the weird cap was the one who had come to his aid. He had a kind and caring look on his face. "What happened? You've never fallen out of your house before."

"Oh, Rosetta, you must be near a panic attack with all that mud on you," the Asian fairy said in a sweet and light voice. "Just stand still and let me take care of it."

Shawn and Gus were taken completely by surprise as the Asian female fairy made water appear right out of thin air and sprinkled it all over them, washing away the mud completely. The PSYCH detectives stared at each other wide eyed.

"Did you see that?" Shawn mouthed.

"How'd she do that?" Gus mouthed back.

"I don't know?" Shawn replied silently.

"Water tanks?" Gus asked quietly.

Shawn did a quick once over of the Asian fairy and then replied, "Where would she hide them?"

"Tinker Bell?" the girl fairy asked.

"Are you as freaked out as I am?" Gus mouthed again.

"Tinker Bell? Hello, are you okay?" she called out.

"I'm actually a little turned on."

"HEY! Tinker Bell! Are you in there?" the Asian fairy said with a raised tone.

"Yes, yes, I am," Shawn replied to her. "Thank you for that impromptu shower, I'll take the dress to the dry cleaners later."

"Huh?" she said a bit confused. "Tink, no offense, but leave the jokes to me. Okay?"

"We're fine," Gus cut in trying to keep Shawn under control. "Thank you for helping us. We need to get going, the rain caused a lot of damage and we need to get to work."

"Oh don't I know it. I spent the early morning checking on all the polliwogs at the pond," she said. "Thank the second star they're safe."

"Have you gotten your dust ration today, Silvermist," the male fairy asked.

Shawn made a point to remember that name; the hot Asian fairy was named Silvermist.

"I was on my way to the Pixie Dust Tree, Terence."

_Okay, so the surfer dude reject from a _Gidget_ movie is named Terrance. _Shawn noted._ Or was it Terence? Ah who cares, I'm going to say it, not spell it. _

"Well lucky for you I have still have rations to hand out," Terence answered. He handed one to Silvermist who quickly grabbed a handful and sprinkled it on herself. She thanked him and flew off saying she was headed to the babbling brook.

"Do you two need your rations?" Terrance, or was it Terence, asked them.

"Uh, yes, yes we do," Shawn, as Tinker Bell, answered remembering what the plump woman had said.

"Here you go, Tink," he handed one bag to Shawn, as Tinker Bell, and then to Gus, as Rosetta. Shawn did as Silvermist had and grabbed a small handful and sprinkled it on himself. He felt it tingle as it fell on him. Gus followed suit, flittering the wings a bit.

"I should get going," Terence said, "I have to finish my route. After last night's rain the route runners are working extra hard to distribute all the pixie dust. Fairies all over Pixie Hollow are working so hard at cleanup that many can't make it to the Pixie Dust Tree. Now are you sure you are okay, Tink?"

"I'm just fine, Terence. Better, actually, now that I've had my dust bath for the morning."

Terence laughed. "You're funny, Tink. It's one of the things I like about you." His face turned several shades of crimson just as those words left his mouth. He waved goodbye and quickly flew off towards a forest of cherry blossom trees.

Gus walked up and said, "I think he's in love with Tinker Bell, Shawn."

"He's not my type. Now if he wanted to go one-on-one in a basketball game…"

"He would still kick your ass. Let's get back to the here and now. These are all supposed to be pixies?"

"Fairies, Gus. Didn't you hear what that chunky lady who yelled at us said? These are all fairies." Shawn looked up and saw hundreds, no thousands of fairies of all shapes, sizes and dressed in the colors of the rainbow zipping across the sky in every direction looking to Shawn like a scene from the film _Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones_ and to Gus it was reminiscent of Luc Besson's _The Fifth Element_.

"Gus," Shawn Spencer told his friend, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

* * *

2.

Shawn decided it was best to play along and just go with the odd dream they were having. First thing was first, where to go? Shawn noticed that the fairies seemed to be wearing color coded clothing. Green for the Tinkers, rose for the Garden Fairies, blue for whatever Silvermist was, and brownish/red for the pizza delivery boys like Terence who were handing out magic fairy dust.

It was a start, but Gus still didn't know how to get the gardens, so Shawn did a little improvisation. Gus insisted they shouldn't do anything to undermine the reputations and respectability of the fairies they were supposed to be. Shawn didn't understand why, it was just a dream. Gus insisted and Shawn agreed, for all of five seconds.

Shawn called out to one of the fairies dressed in light, dusty brown clothes and wearing a walnut shell on her head. Shawn/Tinker Bell explained that she and Rosetta had had too much to drink the night before and couldn't remember where to find the summer flower beds or the kitchen.

"What are you doing, Shawn?" Gus whispered angrily.

"Getting us to our stations," he whispered back.

"You just told her that we are drunk off our asses," Gus hissed. "You're killing our, I mean, their reputations."

"Are you two kidding?" the walnut wearing fairy replied. "You know where everything is. You could find any place in your sleep." Shawn insisted that their memories were fuzzy and needed a push in the right direction. The walnut wearing fairy looked at them suspiciously and then pointed out the kitchens and the flower bed to them. She then flew away, turning towards a huge tree where hundreds of fairies were coming and going. Shawn guessed it was some kind of central hub. Thankfully, fairies were easy to track as they each left a glowing trail to follow.

The two parted ways, Gus reminding Shawn to fly and not walk. It wasn't easy, as both had severe problems concentrating on keeping their wings beating _and_ staying upright, looking to all like noobs, bumping into every other fairy they came across and plowing through several plants and trees along the way. Gus had so many problems that sometimes he flew backwards, other times upside down until finally he began to tumble through the air out of control. He crashed into the branches of a tree and discovered that he had lost his way.

"I feel like William Katt in _The Greatest American Hero_," he grumbled. "So Shawn would be Robert Culp." He then thought about Shawn looking like Tinker Bell. "…or maybe Connie Sellecca."

Gus decided he could find his destination by flying above the forest canopy. He struggled with fluttering upwards, sometimes forgetting to flap his wings and dropping backwards a bit before beating his wings again. When Gus had finally reached an altitude where he could see nearly the entire surrounding area, he was knocked out of the air by several baby birds flying by. A girl fairy dressed in orange clothing with a long braid of hair grabbed his arm and helped back into the air. Gus had to think about flying again to stay airborne.

"Are you okay, Rosetta?" the orange clad fairy asked nervously, she appeared to be of Hispanic origins. "You nearly fell all the way to the ground."

Gus remembered that he was "Rosetta" and finally replied, "Yeah, I'm okay. I just got a little lost."

The other girl fairy began to laugh. "You? Lost? That's funny."

Gus looked around and managed to spy the gardens where large patches of bare ground were visible. "Oh, I found where I need to go. Thanks." Gus headed towards the flowers, tumbling through the air while flailing his arms all the way there.

Fawn, the animal talent fairy who was training hatchlings to fly, hovered in the air, worried. Rosetta, one of her closest friends, acted as if she didn't even recognize her. More, she couldn't even fly straight, bouncing around like she never even had wings on her back before. One of Pixie Hollow's most experienced fairies couldn't fly? This was incredibly strange. Fawn decided to talk with her other friends to find out what was going on. Maybe they had some answers.

Gus arrived at the gardens, nearly tumbling to his hands and knees upon landing.

"Well, it's about time, Ro," a dark haired fairy complained, a nasty tone to her voice. "Get these flowers planted so my fast flyers can collect the pollen."

So frustrated with Shawn and flailing through the air that when Gus noticed the fairy was all clad in purple he spat out, "Who are you supposed to be? Daphne Blake's obnoxious sister?"

"Huh? 'Daphne Blake?' What are you talking about, Ro?" the purple fairy asked.

Gus/Rosetta walked over to where the other garden fairies were working. "Okay, Rosetta, get started, we need to plant these sproutlings as quick as possible," one of the rose clothed garden fairies said.

Ambulatory plant bulbs suddenly began dancing and running about. Under the guidance of the other garden fairies they fell into rows and buried themselves into the ground. A boy fairy, dressed in blue like Silvermist, flew overhead and sprayed water on the bulbs. The garden fairies then raised their arms in the air and fresh new flowers began to sprout from the ground and grew to full size in a matter of seconds.

An ear splitting shriek pierced the air. When the fairies looked up Rosetta was missing. Petals from a nearby flower began to drift towards the earth. Just under the bloom of a daisy was Rosetta, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around the stem. She looked frightened and pale, as though having just seen an apparition. She was trembling so hard petals from the flower were coming loose.

"Those things are alive; they're moving all by themselves. They can't be doing that. They can't be doing that," she kept saying over and over again.

The garden fairies just stared at each other in stunned disbelief, clearly wondering what was wrong with one of the best garden fairies in Pixie Hollow.

* * *

Shawn finally made it to the kitchens. He tried to inspire himself to flight by humming the theme from _Superman: The Movie_ by John Williams, but he kept getting the opening fanfare confused with the one from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_. Upon arriving, a rather short and lanky, boy fairy with a shock of orange hair and super thick "Coke Bottle" glasses that were made from water drops, greeted him, or rather, greeted Tinker Bell.

"Hello, Miss Bell. Did you oversleep this morning?" he said in a strong Scottish brogue. The short boy fairy was warm and cordial to Tinker Bell. "We've got plenty of work this morning so just jump in where ever ye like."

"Ever heard of Lasik surgery, Coke bottle guy?" Shawn said under his breath. Since this was just a dream he could amuse himself all he wanted. In the morning he would wake up in his office on the coast of Santa Barbara; then, he would go to the bar, order some pizza chili cheese fries and enjoy a bout of dyspepsia followed by a burning sensation in his lower colon. Ah, that was the life.

Later he would swing by police headquarters where he would find a case, preferably something Lassie was working on so he could show him up again, then he would solve it with Gus and collect a handsome payout. Somewhere in between all of that he would look for another apartment. Ever since the incident with Mr. Yin he hadn't been very comfortable staying in the same place. Yin could find him easily enough, but at least it would make Shawn feel a little better. He hoped to find something with a decent kitchen this time, and speaking of kitchens….

Looking around Shawn gazed upon a massive cooking area. With so many fairies to feed it had to be big, he concluded. As he took the details in Shawn noted a complete lack of modern appliances. No stovetops, no electric mixers or gas ovens. Not even a microwave or that countertop rotisserie Ron Popeil sold on television. Everything was either built into the ground or made with bricks, stone or terra cotta. There were no gas lines, but there was water which was supplied by covered sluices that in turn fed numerous pipes made from bamboo. Several pantries seemed to be water fed, Shawn guessed those were cooling units with the water pulling the heat out of the inside and keeping foods chilled.

The kitchen seemed to be divided into three main sections, one for salads, fruits and other appetizers, one for entrées and side dishes and one for sweets and desserts. Setting down in the dessert side he saw numerous terra cotta ovens that lined the wall. The ovens were set up so that they were available to each section of the kitchen area. Many of them had been pushed out of place by the rushing waters and the chimneys for each of the displaced ovens had pulled away from the stacks which vented the smoke and hot air out of the kitchen. The fairies dressed in green, tinkers, were pushing them back in to place. Other tinkers were bringing in round, wooden sleeves and reattaching the chimneys to the stacks.

Hovering above were even more fairies, both boy and girl, wearing bright yellow garments; they were pushing around sunbeams to dry the ground below. Shawn was completely awestruck by this sight. How could anyone manipulate a sunbeam? He looked around for mirrors or magnifying lenses or anything that could explain the impossible image that played out before him. Shawn saw nothing, only the fairies grabbing hold of sunbeams like they were solid objects and moving them about.

"Wow, this is a _really_ specific dream," Shawn whispered to himself.

"Can I give you hand, Tink?" a deep, cockney voice offered. Shawn turned and saw a mammoth boy fairy with long, black hair and a bit of a dim, but cheerful look on his face.

_Boy, this guy must be the poster boy for fairy diabetes_, Shawn thought dryly. _Wait, do fairies even get diabetes? Do they even have health insurance? What about dental? They certainly don't have vision insurance, judging by that other guy, unless it's an HMO. Remind me never to buy glasses here. Or eye drops._

"Um, sure, where do you want to start," Shawn, as Tinker Bell, answered the giant boy fairy.

"Let's start on this one," he said. "We'll push it back into place and then you can tie the chimney to the smoke removal tube."

"Okay, let's give it a good push," Shawn/Tink said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Shawn/Tink and The Incredible Hulking fairy, as Shawn thought of him, pushed the oven back into place. It slowly moved through the mud as the boy fairy pushed with all his might while Shawn pushed as little as possible.

"Okay, Tink, time to tie off the smoke removal tube," he told her.

Shawn dreaded this part, but it turned out to be pretty easy. He flittered up, holding on to everything around him so he wouldn't bounce around like a goofball. He/she then straddled the oven while slipping the round piece of dried wood that served as the connecting sleeve over the chimney. Then he used a thin, but strong silk rope to secure the sleeve on both ends. He would later discover it was made from woven spider silk.

"Well, done, Tink," the giant boy fairy congratulated, "one down, eighty five more to go."

Eighty five!? Shawn/Tink let out a huge groan and dropped Tink's head onto the terra cotta oven with a thock.

"Ow!" he/she said, rubbing Tink's forehead.

The giant boy fairy, whom Shawn now called "Swamp Thing" laughed a deep and hearty laugh, "Don't worry, Tinker Bell, with so many tinkers on the job, this won't take very long."

_At least someone was enjoying himself_, Shawn thought.

For over two hours the giant boy fairy (who looked like he could play starting left tackle for the San Diego Chargers, by Shawn's reckoning), and Tinker Bell slowly pushed ovens back into place and then fixed the sleeve connectors on the chimneys. Feeling bad about not pulling (or pushing) his weight, Shawn began to actually push the ovens alongside the fairy football player. His back, or her rather Tinker Bell's back, never hurt Shawn so much.

Along the way Shawn had been listening to conversations around him. He learned that the huge boy fairy was named Clank, a fact he learned from the Lasik candidate who was named Bobble. _Who the hell names their kid Bobble_? Shawn asked himself. The fairies who worked at these ovens and adjoining work tables were called baking talent fairies, the ones from the other side of the kitchen were cooking talents and the fairies that were pushing the sunbeams around were called light talents. The dark skinned fairy with a sunflower seed on her blouse was named Iridessa and was one of the best of the light talents. Shawn filed all these designations away for future use, at least until he woke up and he could tell that jerk, Rod Serling, where to get off. Clearly this was all his fault.

On the next oven, a root was in the way. Clank and Shawn/Tink had to lift the heavy oven over the root. The strength of Clank was certainly on display while Shawn tried to use Tinker Bell's small girl muscles and contributed little. Halfway there Clank stumbled and dropped the oven right on Tinker Bell's foot.

Shawn/Tink howled in pain, screaming, "Get it off! Get if off! Get this thing off of my foot!"

Bobble rushed over and with Clank picked up the oven just enough for Shawn/Tink to get out from under the heavy oven. Shawn screamed out in pain, "THAT HURTS LIKE A FREAKIN' SON OF A BITCH!" forgetting for the moment that his words were coming from Tinker Bell's mouth.

_Everybody_ within earshot stopped what they were doing and with eyes wide and mouths agape stared at the cursing tinker. They couldn't believe that sweet and innocent little Tinker Bell could use such foul language. Not that they understood what it all meant, but they could tell it wasn't very nice. (Most fairies usually had cute little metaphors that they used when they were frustrated or angry, but they were always gentle words or phrases. Nothing this harsh had been spoken in Pixie Hollow before.)

Shawn heard one fairy whisper to another, "See, that's what you get when you associate with humans. You pick up their bad habits."

Shawn, who had been hobbling around, finally sat down and pulled the shoe off the injured foot and began to massage it. He was expecting to find a broken toe or foot bone, but instead the pain began to diminish. Looking over to the oven he saw that his foot had partially sunk into the mud, sparing his tootsies from being squished into pancakes.

_I could make a bundle selling steel toe shoes to all these tinkers_, he thought, amusing himself with the idea.

"I'm sorry, Miss Bell," Clank kept whimpering. "Is it okay, should I take you to a healing talent fairy?"

After a few moments of rubbing his, or Tinker Bell's foot, Shawn replied, "Nothing's broken, uh, Clank, right? I'm okay."

"Are you sure, I don't mind taking you to see the doctor," Clank said again, clearly frightened for his coworker.

Shawn put the ballet shoe like slipper back on Tinker Bell's very lovely foot and stood back up. "I'm good, big guy, let's get back to work." He slapped the giant boy fairy on his back.

Clank stopped for a moment, a quizzical look on his face. "Oh, I get it now, 'big guy.' 'Cause I'm so BIG. That's a good one, Miss Bell." Clank laughed deeply before wrapping Tinker Bell in a giant bear hug.

_Remind me never to copy my Algebra homework off this doofus_.

* * *

3.

As the pair started working on the ovens again, Shawn heard a conversation from somewhere else in the kitchen.

"What are you doing, Ambrosia?" one female voice said irately.

"I'm trying to come up with a new dessert, Dill," another, sweeter, female voice replied.

"Again? When are you going to just give up?" Dill said, quite upset. "You've been trying this every season since you got here and you have never been able to bake anything that didn't taste like some watered down version of something else."

Ambrosia began to cry.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ambrosia, I wasn't trying to be mean," Dill said with a compassionate voice.

"I just want to make one new dessert," Ambrosia said through her tears.

"Is it really that important to you?" Dill asked perplexed.

"Yes," Ambrosia replied, sniffling, "I don't want to be the only baking talent who couldn't make anything new. Even you invented a new dessert and everyone loved it."

"Oh, it's okay, little one, you don't need to invent anything new, you will always be one of us, no matter what. Now listen, there is no shame in just being able to follow the recipe. You're a baking talent, you can measure and mix and fold and bake to perfection. No other talent guild can do that. Not even Vidia or Tinker Bell, the strongest talents in Pixie Hollow can do that. That's why I sent you to the mainland last year. I just want you to learn to be happy with what you can do. Okay?"

"Okay," Ambrosia said, still crying.

_Wow, what was that all about_, Shawn asked himself.

With all the ovens back in place and the baking talent fairies were able to bake again Shawn/Tink sat down at one of the tables in the common dining room. He never felt so tired before. Of course, he had never worked that hard before, either.

_I sure could use some aspirin. Do fairies even have aspirin? What about Tylenol? Or even Tramadol. Wait? Tramadol? I think I've been spending too much time around Gus._

It was empty and mostly quite in the dining room, the lunch rush hadn't yet begun. Shawn/Tink started rubbing his shoulder again. The foot that nearly got crushed by the oven earlier was throbbing a bit, but nothing he couldn't deal with…, if he had some aspirin, or some beer, preferably beer.

"Here you go," a sweet, female voice said. Shawn/Tink looked up at a pretty girl fairy as she set down a plate of food and a glass of milk before Tinker Bell. She was petite, with dirty blonde hair that curled gently as it fell down her back and over her shoulders. Her skin was a beautifully rich flesh tone, but her deep green eyes were puffy and tears had been streaming down her face. Shawn noticed immediately that the fairy had several minor burns on her hands and arms. Most were older and healing, at least one or two were recent.

"I saw you sitting alone and thought you could use some food and drink," she said. Shawn recognized the voice immediately as belonging to Ambrosia. "Thanks for pushing all the ovens back into place; I just hope we can be ready for the lunch rush. I'm sure everyone is going to be famished today."

Ambrosia walked to another table where another plate and cup were waiting for her. Shawn picked up his food and walked over to her, "May I join you?" he, as Tinker Bell, asked.

The baking fairy smiled sweetly and nodded. Shawn/Tink sat down with the food and began to pull pieces off the muffin Ambrosia had provided. "Did you bake this," he asked.

"Yes," Ambrosia replied.

"It's fantastic, best muffin I've ever tasted."

Ambrosia smiled. "Thanks, but all I did was follow the recipe. I couldn't bake anything original if I wanted."

"Hey, I can't bake worth a darn. I know I've tried. Word of advice, never bake a pineapple upside down cake in an Easy Bake Oven," Shawn said, before realizing that the toy oven didn't exist here.

The baking talent gave Tinker Bell a funny look, "A what?"

"Oh, uh, an Easy Bake Oven. It's a little oven that, uh, I invented to bake single serve portions with a light," Shawn/Tink said.

"You mean a firefly?"

"Yes, a firefly light."

"What happened," Ambrosia said looking down at her food, appearing rather dejected. Shawn recognized he had made a faux pas. Here he was talking about inventing something new and she couldn't even do it once.

"It was a disaster," Shawn/Tink said, emphasizing _disaster_. Ambrosia looked up again and smiled a bit. "Everything I put in there came out awful. I followed the recipes perfectly, cut down to a single serve portion and I still couldn't get anything edible out of that thing."

"That bad, huh?" the baking talent asked.

"Oh, it was worse than bad. I asked my friends to try the foods I baked in that little oven and everyone, each and _every_ one of them, told me it was the single worst thing they had ever tasted."

Ambrosia began laughing.

"Rosetta even suggested that I should use them doorstops."

Ambrosia laughed even harder. "Oh really, doorstops?"

"Oh yes, in fact I have them in my hovel right now," Shawn/Tink continued, "although I'm going to use them as home security instead. Anyone tries to break into my house they'll get conked in the head by one those things."

"I bet if you took them to the Winter Woods, the cold fairies could use them to play ice hockey," she suggested.

"Oh that might not be a good idea. My little cakes could turn into deadly weapons if they were frozen solid," Shawn added in his rapid fire delivery.

Ambrosia burst out laughing so hard tears poured from her eyes. She even had to cover her mouth to avoid annoying those still working in the kitchen.

A moment later Ambrosia took Tinker Bell's hand in hers and said, "Thank, you Tinker Bell, I haven't felt this good in a long time."

The two fairies kept talking and eating their food. Shawn kept charming Ambrosia with his witty on-liners and goofy asides and Ambrosia kept laughing at everyone single one of them. After a few more minutes Dill popped her head out and told Ambrosia she needed to get back to work. Lunch was going to start soon and Ambrosia had start plating all the desserts. The two stood up from the table, Shawn/Tink walked the baking talent to the kitchen door.

Shawn finally decided to ask Ambrosia about the burn marks on her arms. The gleaming smile on her face quickly faded and she wore the look of disgrace. "Oh, it happens in there sometimes, I'll put something in the oven and I'll accidentally touch the side of it and burn myself."

"Well it happens to tinkers, too," Shawn/Tink said trying to comfort Ambrosia. Shawn looked at Tinker Bell's arms and legs to look for scratches, cuts or abrasions, but there was nothing. Apparently, Tinker Bell was so good at what she did that she never got a scratch on her. "Look what happened to my foot earlier," he finally remembered.

"Yeah, that was quite a scene you put on out there," Ambrosia said with an arched eyebrow.

"Well that's happens when someone drops a 500 pound oven on your toes," Shawn/Tink said.

Ambrosia grinned a bit at this.

"I bet my toenails will be black and blue for months," Shawn/Tink added. This time, though Ambrosia didn't really laugh. "Look, you're just trying too hard. You're so nervous that your new recipe will be a wash out that you're getting too uptight and you make mistakes. Just relax, take a few deep breaths, maybe roll around in the flour a few times and just let The Force flow through you."

"What?" Ambrosia said with a small laugh.

"You have a great talent, Ambrosia," Shawn started.

"No, you have the great talent, Tinker Bell," she said look down at the floor again, "and I have the weakest. When I arrived here in Pixie Hollow and learned what my talent was, the glow from my guild artifact was pretty dim."

"Hey, look at me. Look at me," Shawn/Tink said rather sternly. Ambrosia raised her head as instructed. "Your talent is only weak if you let it. I'm going to tell you something my fa-, uh, my friends told me long ago. There are three rules for being successful. Anyone, even those without a bit of talent can be great if they follow these three rules."

Ambrosia perked up a bit, looking intently at Tinker Bell.

"Rule number one: recognize good opportunities. Rule number two: take action, and rule number three: never, ever give up; no matter what. Follow them and you will come up with a recipe that will knock the…, the wings off of everyone who tries it."

"You really think so?" she asked.

"I know so. Don't let some dim light tell you how good you can be; you make that decision for yourself. You keep trying, no matter how long it takes. And when you put together a dessert with the most amazing delicious flavor, and I know you will, I will be the first one in line to taste it, guaranteed."

"Guaranteed?"

"I will even make a banner telling everyone how great your dessert is and fly it over Pixie Hollow every day for a month."

Ambrosia laughed. "First in line will be fine."

Dill called out to Ambrosia again. "I had better get going. Thanks, Tink." Ambrosia was about to turn into the kitchen when her eyes started to tear up again, her mouth curled into a smile. She leapt into Tinker Bell's arms and started bawling like a baby. Shawn, caught off guard wrapped his arms around the girl fairy rather apprehensively at first and then embraced her fully as she confessed.

"Thank you, Tinker Bell," she said through her tears. "You're the only one who has ever said anything like that. I promise I won't give up. I will make you so proud of me."

"Don't worry about me, make yourself proud."

Ambrosia stepped back and looked at Tinker Bell, nodding. "I will. I promise." She turned and disappeared into the kitchen.

Shawn stood there for a moment, unsure what to do next. Finally, he returned to the table and finished the milk in his glass before going to wherever he needed to be next. _Good luck, Ambrosia,_ were his thoughts as he walked out of the dining hall.

* * *

4.

"GHAAA!" Rosetta yelled out when Vidia flew to her.

"What in the name of the Pixie Dust Tree are you doing, Ro?"

"Those things are alive," Rosetta said, still clinging to the flower stem.

"Okay, were you and Tink drinking rose hips wine last night?" she asked, a touch of dark humor in her voice.

"They dug themselves in the ground," she said, scared so completely out of her mind she wasn't even able to respond to the fast flyer.

"HEY!" Vidia slapped Rosetta. "What is wrong with you today!?"

"Huh?" Rosetta said, snapping out of her panic. "Where am I? Where is the office?"

"Oh, great, this is all we need."

"Uh…, yes. Yes, I have. Probably a little too much, but I can get back to work now."

"Too much what? Rose hips wine? I wasn't serious…"

"I'm fine now; let's do whatever it is we need to do."

"Oh really?" Vida spat, "Think you can grow some flowers today before the sun goes down?"

"Move over and watch me work," Rosetta said with a touch of sass in her voice.

_Finally_, Vidia thought.

Rosetta slid down the stem to the ground below. Once there she walked back to the bare earth where the garden fairies had momentarily stopped working. They all watched Rosetta with great shock and concern.

She stopped in front of an empty row and called out, "Okay flower bulbs, line 'em up."

Vidia, who was fluttering down to the sidelines, watched in dismay. "Uh, they're called sproutlings."

"Oh, yes." Rosetta stood straight, put her hands in the air and spoke loudly. "Come on sproutlings, line up right over here and let's make some flowers."

Nothing happened. Nothing except that Vidia's mouth fell open. It matched her wide eyed look.

"Let's go," Rosetta called out. Still nothing.

"Move 'em out. Get along little doggies." Again nothing.

Rosetta began to sing a tune to the sproutlings no one in Pixie Hollow had ever heard.

_Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'  
Keep those doggies movin'  
Though they disapprovin'  
Rawhide!" _

Still nothing happened.

Then Rosetta did something completely strange. She walked over to the sproutlings and started talking to them like they were human infants. "Ooh, goochy, goochy, goo." She even scratched one of them under its chin. If a sproutling had a chin.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Vida screamed out in frustration.

"I'm trying to get these plant bulbs over there to plant themselves in the ground, just like you asked."

"That's not how you do it!" Vida yelled, throwing her arms in the air. Vidia fluttered over to the garden fairy. "Rosetta, are you feeling okay? You've been planting sproutlings all your life and suddenly you don't know how? Is this some sort of sick joke? Are you playing a trick on me because of what happened at the beach last week? I didn't mean for you to have to spend the evening washing your wings when you should have been on a date with Sled. There, are you happy? I'm sorry. There, I said it. Now will you stop playing around and plant those, those, those…."

"Sproutlings," Rosetta said.

"I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CALLED!" Vidia yelled out.

Rosetta then reached down and picked up one of the sproutlings and started carrying it over to the empty row.

Vidia then she doubled over, covered her head with her hands and screamed as loud as she could.

Rosetta, apparently frustrated, dropped the sproutling and started yelling at the others, "All right, I have had enough of this. Get your sorry asses out there! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!"

The sproutlings jumped up and started racing over to the empty row.

Ro yelled at them again. "Now line 'em up, before I kick you into next week!"

The sproutlings, frightened of the irate Rosetta took their places and started trembling in fear.

"Okay, now dig. Dig DEEP!"

The sproutlings pushed their way into the dirt, faster than any sproutling ever had.

"Can I get some water down here?!" Ro yelled up into the air. Promptly a water talent sparrow man flew across and sprinkled water across the planted row.

"Now grow! Grow like the wind! Reach up for the sky!" The sproutlings grew into towering stems with closed buds before finally reaching full height where the buds opened into full bloom. "Can you feel the sunlight touch your petals? Do you believe in your destiny? Do you sense the power in your souls? Can I get an 'Amen?'"

Rosetta, seemingly so proud of her work, started walking her legs forward, but was moving backwards while singing, "I'm bad, I'm bad, y'know it. I'm bad, I'm bad, y'know it, y'know. The whole world knows I'm bad and I'm proud, so tell me once again…" She then spun around one time, pointed at Vida saying, "…who's bad?"

All the other garden fairies were completely dumbstruck by this display. The fast flyer could only narrow her eyes at Rosetta and say, "You're never going to let me live that beach thing down, are you?"

* * *

**Okay this part was to occur later in the story. I had the idea before I could get anywhere else with the rest of the story and wanted to write it down before I forgot it.**

_Queen Clarion brings in Tinker Bell and Rosetta for being "drunk."_

6.

"The queen will see you now," the guard announced.

Shawn/Tink and Gus/Rosetta glided into the room, having finally learned about fairy flying to appear natural, well, almost. The pair entered the queen's audience chamber where they approached an amazingly dressed, regal looking woman who seemed to shimmer like gold. Her brow was furrowed and pained disappointment was obvious in her expression. The shimmering queen was flanked on either side by four individuals each dressed as if indicating a specific season of the year. Hovering close by was the rotund woman in green that Shawn had learned was named Fairy Mary, the overseer of the tinker fairies.

"Your highness," Gus/Rosetta said kneelling. Shawn/Tink didn't so Gus had to grab one arm and puledl him down to one knee.

Clarion raised an eyebrow at this display. "Tinker Bell, Rosetta," she said in a rather harsh voice, "what is this I hear about the two of you being intoxicated yesterday morning? Fairies all over Pixie Hollow look up to both of you; this display of impaired behavior is most disturbing."

"Well, it wasn't exactly how it sounded, your highness," Gus/Rosetta began.

"It was all Rosetta's fault, your queenliness," Shawn/Tink blurted out. "She is a bad influence on my young fairy self."

Gus glared at his so called "friend" and barely mouthed "let's talk."

Gus and Shawn turned around and began whispering to each other. "What are you doing, Shawn?"

"I'm keeping Tinker Bell's good reputation intact."

"At Rosetta's expense? Are you crazy?"

"Tinker Bell is young, sweet and innocent."

"No, Shawn, she's crazy. Remember what happened in _Peter Pan_? She almost got Wendy killed."

"That was a movie, Gus. And besides, we can't let _this_ Tinker Bell take the rap for what we did."

After a brief pause Gus finally said, "Just follow my lead, Shawn. I have an idea."

"How dare you turn your backs to Queen Clarion," the fairy covered in red and orange leaves said in a loud and angry tone.

The pair turned around again, facing the Queen. "It was my fault, your highness, I was trying to teach Tinker Bell a lesson," Gus/Rosetta said.

"Your fault, Rosetta?" Clarion gasped, quite shocked by this confession.

"Yes. You know how these young fairies can sometimes think they are invincible," Gus/Rosetta said. "They get it in their heads that they can do anything and it won't hurt them or that they won't have to face the consequences of their own actions."

Queen Clarion glanced over at Tinker Bell. Given the tinker's reputation for being stubborn, headstrong and adventurous it wasn't all that hard to believe that she might consider herself to be invincible. However, her sweet demeanor and wide eyed curiosity didn't seem to lend itself to the overconsumption of spirits.

"Well, Tinker Bell here needed a lesson in what happens when you drink too much," Gus/Rosetta continued. "So in the controlled environment of her house I let her drink all she wanted. When she woke up the next morning she was so hung over she swore to me on the Pixie Dust Tree that she would never do something like that again."

Gus/Rosetta then turned to Shawn/Tinker Bell. "Lesson learned, Tinker Bell?"

"Lesson learned, Rosetta," Shawn/Tink said holding his/her right hand up in the air as if taking an oath. "I'll never drink to excess ever again. I would hate to think what would have happened to me if I had been flying with my faculties so badly impaired. I might have been pulled over for flying while intoxicated, crashed headlong into a tree and broken my neck or even wiped a family of pixies in a minivan. Thank you, Rosetta. Thank you so much for showing me the errors of my ways."

Gus mouthed the words, "Don't push it, Shawn."

The pair once again turned to face Clarion and the others.

"Were such drastic steps necessary, Rosetta?" Queen Clarion asked the garden fairy.

"In this instance yes, your highness. Sometimes it's necessary to take a pers-, uh, a fairy down the dark and dangerous path so they can see firsthand just how painfully self-destructive and terrifying it really is before they will dedicate themselves to walking the straight narrow," Gus/Rosetta answered. "Tinker Bell is just one of those kinds of fairies who needed to be scared straight."

Queen Clarion's eyes narrowed as she sized up the two fairies that stood in her presence. It was an obvious tell that the queen didn't believe their story for a second. Shawn started running through his mind other ways to escape this moment, unfortunately they all required Doc Brown and his time travelling DeLorean from the _Back to the Future_ trilogy to show up and rescue them. On second thought, it wouldn't work. The time travelling DeLorean didn't have a back seat; it was filled up with the Flux Capacitor. Gus would have to sit on Shawn's lap in the front passenger seat. Shawn liked Gus very much, but not enough to let him sit on his lap.

"Very well then, if the lesson is learned then no great harm done," Queen Clarion announced, much to the shock of the other four and Fairy Mary. "However, Rosetta, I would like to be informed of your next such 'lesson' so I don't have to hear it through the Pixie Hollow grapevine."

Shawn/Tink and Gus/Rosetta covertly bumped their fists together.

"Yes, your highness," Gus/Rosetta said bowing along with Shawn/Tink.

Queen Clarion turned and drifted away, the others following her lead. "You are free to go," the guard told them.

Shawn/Tink and Gus/Rosetta flittered out of the queen's audience chamber. After a few moments Gus turned to Shawn and said, "I can't believe she actually bought that."

"She didn't, Gus, I could see it in her face. Queen Clarinet…"

"Clarion," Gus corrected.

"I've heard it both ways," Shawn stated. "The queen clearly suspects something. She talked about the Pixie Hollow grapevine. A queen doesn't listen to a rumor mill. A monarch like that has eyes and ears everywhere to make sure her kingdom maintains order. Every unusual thing we've done so far has already been reported back to her."

"I don't know, Shawn, Queen Clarion seems like a pretty cool sovereign."

"I'm sure she is, Gus," Shawn paused. "Wait? 'Sovereign?' Really, buddy? What are you doing? Reading a dictionary every night? Anyway, back to Queen Clarion. I would bet that she cares deeply for all the fairies in Pixie Hollow. And the only way for her to do that is make sure any odd or unusual activity is reported to her immediately. She's not a despot, just a ruler who is being prudent."

"So what you're saying is, what happens in Vegas _doesn't_ stay in Vegas."

"Exactly."

"Well then why didn't she mention that I ran screaming from possessed flower bulbs and climbed up a gigantic daisy stem yesterday? Or that we don't know our way around this place or don't recognize the people who are supposed to be Tinker Bell's and Rosetta's friends and coworkers?" Gus asked.

"Because Queen Clarion isn't the type to show her cards early, she is one cool customer who is going to give us enough rope to hang ourselves," Shawn concluded. "Had there been only one odd behavior and she might have laid it all out on the table. But we were acting strangely all day long and that is a pattern that she sees as a potential threat to her subjects. We will have to more careful of what we do from now on."

"Wait a minute, Shawn; didn't you say earlier that you thought this was all a dream?"

"I can't be certain anymore, buddy. It should have all ended after last night. Instead we woke up here again."

"Why is that, Shawn? How are we supposed to get home?"

"Maybe we are meant to do something in Pixie Hollow," Shawn guessed. "Once we fulfill our purpose we can go home."

"Now you're sounding like some bad fairy tale movie," Gus replied.

"Look where we are, Gus. You can't get anymore fairy tale than this."

At the same time, within the walls of the queen's audience chamber.

"You actually believed such nonsense, your highness?" the Minister of Autumn asked.

"Not a word," Queen Clarion replied.

"Then why did you let them go so easily," Fairy Mary pressed further.

"Tinker Bell and her friends have done a great deal for Pixie Hollow," Clarion said. "They have torn down old and unfair discriminations, provided us with so much blue pixie dust the next Autumn Revelry may almost be unnecessary, made successful first contact with a human girl and helped to repair the fractured relationship with her father and finally, she opened the borders to the Winter Woods and reunited us with our cold weather brothers and sisters… and lovers." She whispered that last two words to herself as she stared out the windows to the distant snowcapped mountains of the Winter Woods.

The queen continued, "I think Tinker Bell and her friends have earned themselves a great deal of latitude."

"But they lied to you," the Minister of Spring of protested.

"Yes, minister, I believe I said I was aware of their deception," the queen said with an irate tone. "Tinker Bell is not one for doing something without a reason. She and Rosetta must have a purpose."

"What do you intend to do, your highness?" the Minister of Summer asked.

"I will wait and watch. Any unusual activity by Tinker Bell and her friends is to be reported to me immediately," the monarch demanded.

"And if this is something potentially threatening to Pixie Hollow?" the Minister of Winter chimed in.

"If that is the case then Tinker Bell is now aware that we suspect her and will become desperate. She will tip her hand revealing her plot. Then we will stop it before it comes to fruition and Tinker Bell and her accomplices will be placed in confinement," the queen said quite sternly. "Hopefully it will never come to that. I prefer to believe that Tinker Bell is working for the benefit of Pixie Hollow. She has my trust until she betrays it."

"Yes, your highness," the ministers and Fairy Mary said. The ministers of the seasons continued on, while Fairy Mary flittered off to Tinker's Nook. Queen Clarion glided towards her private chamber, but she stopped for a moment. The queen turned around and looked at the spot where Tinker Bell had stood just moments earlier mulling her decision.

_What are you and Rosetta up to, Tinker Bell?_ Clarion asked herself. _And who are Shawn and Gus?_

* * *

_Okay, this part came much later when Gus and Shawn find the missing fairy and discover she is trapped by Captain Hook. Shawn has to convince the other fairies who are Tinker Bell's friends to help him recover the missing fairy (Ambrosia) so he puts on a typical display of "psychic" ability to win them over to his side. Note: I wrote this stuff long before the plot for Tinker Bell film #5 was announced._

In the late evening, Iridessa, Silvermist, Fawn and Vidia gathered at Tinker Bell's house. Rosetta was already there waiting for them. "Okay, why the secrecy, Tink?" Silvermist asked handing out acorn cups filled with chamomile tea.

"I think I know what happened to Ambrosia," she announced.

"That's not funny, Tinker Bell," Iridessa snapped. "Ambrosia was killed by the hawk."

"No, she's not dead. She is alive somewhere," Shawn/Tinker Bell replied.

"Okay, that's it," Fawn said putting down her tea. "She was your friend, Tinker Bell. How can you be so cruel? I'm going home."

The fairies began to leave when Shawn slipped into his psychic detective mode. "Ever since finding my sister, Peri Gilpin…"

"Periwinkle," Gus/Rosetta corrected.

"I've heard it both ways," Tink/Shawn replied.

"No, you haven't."

"After finding my sister, Periwinkle, and our wings glowed, I began to feel strange vibrations in my wings. I could feel things, such as a sense of foreboding right before something went wrong. I never told anyone because I didn't think anyone would ever believe me. Now those sensations have changed. When Ambrosia disappeared I began to feel things very strongly. And I can see images, images that don't make sense, but I know they are about her. Maybe you can help."

Vidia arched an eyebrow, "Oh really? And what are these images? Do they involve you and Terence behind the Pixie Dust Depot?"

Iridessa, Fawn and Silvermist snickered under their breaths.

Shawn/Tinker Bell put his/her fingers to the temples and began, "I see…, I see a large shiny object. It's metal and curved. I see water, blue water and lots of it, with no end in sight."

"An ocean?" Silvermist identified with angry disbelief at this tasteless display.

"Yes, that's it! An ocean!" Shawn/Tink blurted. "She is somewhere on an ocean. I also see trees, but with no leaves. Instead, I see branches, straight across and large, white sheets and ropes hanging from them." Shawn waited for a response, but the three other fairies simply stared at each other with confused looks.

"The sheets are billowing in the wind," Shawn/Tink continued trying to lead them to the proper conclusion. "They are pushing Ambrosia out on to the ocean."

"A sailing ship!" Vidia said.

"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh it_ is_ a sailing ship," Shawn/Tink said happily. "I never understood what it meant until now."

"But what is the shiny, curved metal thing?" Fawn asked. She thought for a second. "It sounds like a hook shape."

Silvermist gasped, "Captain Hook. Captain Hook has her on his pirate ship."

Shawn/Tink put his/her hands out and pressed them against the air like a mime performing trapped in an invisible box. He/She began spinning around pushing against the open space and looking as distressed as possible.

"I see Ambrosia, she's trapped. It's clear, but she can't get out."

"Oh no, Hook has her trapped in a lantern," Iridessa stated anxiously.

"I can sense her feelings, her thoughts. I think she can speak through me." Shawn/Tink dropped to the floor, closed his eyes, started crying and put out on arm as if reaching for help. "I'm so scared, so, so scared," Shawn/Tink said using his best frightened little girl voice. "How will I ever get out of this? My friends will ever find me. What friends? Why should they even care? I don't even matter to anyone. No one loves me. I'm all alone."

Silvermist reached out and took Tinker Bell's outstretched hand, "No, you're not alone, Ambrosia! We are your friends, we love you! We care what happens to you!"

Shawn/Tink prepared his big finish. "I have to face the reality. I'll never see Pixie Hollow again. I'm going to die. Hook is going to kill me."

Fawn dropped to her knees next to the tinker fairy and hugged her tightly, tears streaming down her cheeks, "You're not going to die, Ambrosia. We're going to find you."

"That's right," Silvermist stated with conviction, "we'll rescue you, right guys?"

Fawn, Vidia, Iridessa and Gus/Rosetta all announced their willingness to go and find their missing friend.

* * *

**Well, that is as far as I got with this story. As you can see it truly reeks. I hope no one had a heart attack or smashed their computer trying to get this dreck off their screens. Go ahead and drop me a review. Tell me how awful this is. I'm a big boy, I can take it. I think.**


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